The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by a group of researchers at Stanford University.
The element, which is unanimously agreed by all scientists to be named Stanfurdium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Stanfurdium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction with which it comes in contact. According to the group of discoverers from Stanford University, a tiny amount of Stanfurdium caused one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally occur in less than 1 second.
Stanfurdium has a normal half-life of approximately 3 years. At this time it doesn't actually decay but instead undergoes reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increased after each reorganization.
Researchers at other laboratories indicated that Stanfurdium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as the Hoover Institute, Stanford Stadium, Stanford band's practice room, Stanford administration office, or pretty much the entire Stanford campus. The element can be found in the newest, best-appointed and best-maintained buildings at Stanford University.
Scientists point out that Stanfurdium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Stanfurdium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage. Results have shown that elements such as Californium and Berkelium completely annihilate Stanfurdium.


P.S. This is my re-worded version of Administratium