Pluto Expelled from the Rank of Planets.
What Now?
-- by Li Tai Fang, Solar System Weekly


This morning, the International Astronomical Union (IAU) commissioned by the United Nation has passed a binding resolution to expel Pluto from the Rank of Planets, thereby stripping Pluto of the rights and privilege of her membership. The resolution also re-categorized it as a lowly dwarf planet. The fate of Pluto's membership in the Rank of Planets has been under debate for over a decade.

This resolution is highly politically charged, and will no doubt leave far-reaching consequences in the Solar System. Jocelyn Bell Burnell, head of the IAU, has defended the IAU's decision to kick Pluto to the curb and strip its prestigious planet status.

"Pluto has been told since the 1990s, that it has not behaved like a good upstanding planet," said Dr. Burnell, "comparing to the 8 real plants, Pluto is small. It is hardly spherical nor elliptical, and it does not even orbit properly."

United Nation Secretary General Kofi Annan has also defended the IAU's decision, "due to Pluto's refusal to gain size, mass, or correct its orbit, the U.N. has no choice but to permanently remove Pluto's membership from the Rank and designate it a dwarf until further notice. The IAU's decision is fair. The resolution has the full support of the U.N. Security Council."

However, the resolution apparently does not have the support of all U.N. members. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has blasted the IAU's decision as a conspiracy of Israel and its ally United States to seize control of the Solar System, who made a one-hour speech on Iran's television network condemning IAU's decision.

"Isn't it enough that the Jews have already controlled earth," Mr. Ahmadinejad said, "and now they want to rule the whole Solar System."

When asked of Israel's response to Ahmadinejad's accusation, Prime Minister Olmert gave an ambiguous answer, but said, "if the Plutonians recognize the Jewish state's right to exist, and establish formal diplomatic relationship with the State of Israel, the government of Israel will have no problem to with Pluto potential re-entry into the Rank of Planets."

American's opinions on the matter, however, are more polarized. President Bush has denied any knowledge of his involvement in the matter, "Pluto?" said President Bush, "huh? What's a Pluto and what's a planet? However, we must know one thing. I mean, I know two things. Wait, I think just one thing is the most important than every other things. 1) America must fight terrorism with absolute resolve, and b) Pulling out of Iraq is a bad idea, and 3rd) Iran and North Korea must cease to develop 'nukular' weapon because it are no good!"

American Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has once again asserted that the United States has undeniable evidence confirming that the Plutonians are stockpiling weapons of mass destruction. White House spokesman Tony Snow has reaffirmed American position that, Pluto has links with Al-Qaeda and Osama bin Laden, despite its average temperature of 200 degrees below freezing point. Republican insistence that the resolution also condemns Pluto as a member of the Axis of Evil, however, was not accepted. California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said, "hasta la vista, you girly dwarves!"

The Senate Democrats, on the other hand, have expressed reservation regarding IAU's decision. Democrat presidential candidate Hillary Clinton told the Solar Weekly, "Dubya screwed up big time. He is leading America into the wrong path. In fact, Dubya will be the only U.S. president to leave office with fewer planets than he has started with, jackass!"

John Kerry also has remarked that, "the situation for Pluto must be very bad now. Americans, trust me. I know bad situations when I see it. I know bad situations from my experiences in Vietnam, where I have won a Silver Star, a Bronze Start, and three Purple Hearts."

An anonymous US official cautioned that, due to Pluto's demotion, the elements named after Pluto, plutonium, has seen a sharp decrease in its value. "This is a critical situation," said McCain, "now it has become easier for the enemy of civilized world to acquire plutonium due to its low price."

A Plutonian who has sold his property on Pluto before the IAU decisionOf course, the Plutonians are the biggest losers of all. The value of Pluto's stock market has crashed by over 80% in a matter of hours (local timing), and its property value has virtually collapsed. Before the IAU decision, Real estate value has tripled in 2 years (local timing) to a level rivaling with California, mostly due to its exotic location at the outer reach of the Solar system. However, stripped of its status as a planet, Pluto is no more special than millions of other Small Solar Bodies which roam far away from the Sun, and which no one gives a damn about. The Plutonion government is in a desperate situation, claiming that her economy is on the brink, and has demanded assistance from other Solar planets. France, a nation of earth, has spearheaded an interplanetary effort to give Pluto USD$5 billion to fund her transition from a Planet to a dwarf, and has themselves pledged a guaranteed loan of 5 Euro (USD $6.40) to the Plutonian government.

The biggest winner of IAU's decision, of course, is Neptune. Since Pluto is now nothing more than a lowly dwarf, Neptune has overtaken Pluto's previous position as the outer reach of the Solar System's Planets. Unsurprisingly, it has seen a huge spike in its property value and stocks of its tourism industry.

The right-wing religious conservatives have an entirely different view of this matter. "Armageddon is coming, my friends and enemies," said well-known American lunatic Jerry Falwell, "God Almighty has His fingerprints all over it! One planet down, eight more to go before the end of the world, baby! Your atheists are going to Hell big time!"

However, many organisms around the world and the Solar System are skeptical of Falwell's prediction. "Bwahahahahahahaha," responded some Earthlings and other intelligent species to Falwell's comment.

What will eventually become of Solar System as a result of IAU's decision today will be seen in years to come. However, if one thing is for certain, it is that the Solar System will never be the same.